Two Sides
by sakimidare
Summary: Hibari looks at Mukuro, and wonders. Meanwhile, Mukuro sinks deeper, where redemption can't reach him even if he reached out towards it. Pointless drabblish one-shot. Angst. 1869 or 6918, however you want to see it.There's a note for anyone who follows my stories at the very end, please read it if you're wondering about updates.T for um, dark themes and angst, just to be safe...


**A/N: No, I don't know what this is either. You're more than welcome to be confused, at least I'll have a companion in my puzzlement at what the Hell I just wrote on the question paper, in the _middle_ of an exam I will probably fail. This is dedicated to Kitssy, happy birthday! Now gimme cake.**

**A/N 2: (relating to the fic and not random babble) First PoV until line break is Hibari's, and the PoV after the linebreak is Mukuro's.**

**A/N 3: There's a note at the very bottom for everyone who follows any of my other stories. Please read it.**

**Two Sides**

Its not that I am afraid of rejection. Its just that I don't want to lose to you.

If I were to tell you how I feel, you would definitely laugh at me, mock me. I have seen how you look at the other herbivores coddling with their partners. The look in your eyes could only be interpreted as disgust, and I am not fool enough to think for a moment that you, my greatest rival, would willingly return my feelings. The same feelings that disgust you.

Sometimes I wonder why. Why did I fall in love? Without a doubt anyone would say that someone like me can't fall in love. I have rarely shown an emotion other than anger or annoyance to anyone other than Hibird, and even then it is simple affection and contentment. Never have I felt as strongly as I do around you.

And that is what I am truly afraid of. I, Hibari Kyoya, feared Cloud Guardian of the Vongola, am afraid that you will take these emotions of mine, and crush them with the cruel smile you called on the illusion of a thousand cherry blossom trees with when we first met. I'm scared.. that even the rivalry, the almost-kinship we have come to feel for each other over the years... even that shallow bond will be bken by disgust if I ever told you.

And so, I watch you, hidden in the shadows.

* * *

Its not that I'm disgusted by these open displays of emotions, its just that ….. I'm jealous of them.

Its a strange thing, these false vows of love and friendship that ultimately culminate in betrayal and sorrow are the things I swore to destroy. And still . Somehow I just can't stop longing for them.

I'm not human, not anymore. I know that. I have known that for a long time. I have no right to feelings, and neither do I want to feel. These are all illusions. This world is nothing but layers upon layers of flimsy, whimsical illusions thrown haphazardly together. And yet... when you peel all the layers off, there's still nothing, like an onion. There is no truth in this world, in all the worlds I have ever been to.

I look at you, and think that maybe, just maybe, you could become that truth I have always been searching for...

But that's ridiculous of me. I don't even know how to feel love, Over the years I have started feeling light affections towards others... Ken, Chikusa, Chrome … Tsunayoshi himself, bright-eyed and still-naive, still-idealistic though I sometimes wonder how long that would last, with the kind of world we live in. But not love. Can someone as irreparably broken and damaged as me feel something like love?Because that's what I am. I have been shattered into millions of pieces once, and even though I have picked the pieces back up and glued them together with fake smiles and red eyes and lovely lies and layered deception, they will never fit together perfectly. The stains of blood will never go away from my gloved hands. Did you know that was why I started wearing gloves? I don't want to see the blood on my hands.

Sometimes when I'm alone at night and I can't sleep I feel like I'm drowning, sinking into the darkness with nothing to pull me out.

Its not that I want someone to save me, I'm far too proud for that, though that won't stop me from wishing someone just _cared _enough to try.

And then I think of you.

Its complicated and absurd, to think that I, who will one day destroy this world, could long for something as simple as 'love'. An illusion, I am an illusionist. I should be able to see through all the chains this world has to offer.

But I'm stuck longing for it.

Its not that I don't want to love you, its just that even if I did, even if I admitted to myself that I wanted you to look at me, to know how I feel, to reciprocate in kind...

…...I wouldn't know how to.

**A/N: I know, it was sort of pointless, and really, really unbalanced, what with Mukuro's portion being longer than Hibari's. And they were both probably OOC, because this fic deals exclusively with their personal thoughts and I have no idea what goes on int heir heads (and frankly, with the way those two are, I'd be worried if I did.) Feel free to flame me if you want. _I _feel like flaming _myself._ Except for you, Kitssy, because I'm failing my Maths thanks to you and your birthday dedication. Be grateful, so what if it sucks to the high heavens?**

**REALLY IMPORTANT A/N for anyone who follows me/my stories: I'm taking a long, long break from all my stories in this account, and from KHR. My best friend, who used to squeal over the crap I write, is currently in a coma, and while I've finally gotten substantially over the shock to attempt writing again, I can't bear to look at any of the stories I have here, far less continue to write them. I do want to come back and finish them someday, hopefully when she wakes up finally and we can giggle together over them again, and even if that …...doesn't happen, but for now I've decided to concentrate on other fandoms, so she still has a bunch of stories to look over when she comes back, since I'm a coward who simply can't work on my existing stories so soon. This has been lying in my PC for a long while, and I decided to publish this just so people knew where I was if they're still wondering. Thank you for being patient, I promise to try my best and get over myself so I can finish everything I started. I hope you enjoyed this silly one-shot.**


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